Searching for my Guardian Angel

Monday, July 31, 2006

Long time nv update my blog due to...pure laziness. Shesh, so guilty lalala. Laz time I was also lazy to write my blog n actually went to my own blog wanting to see something new. This time ah, I din forget my password, I forgot my username for my blog!!!
My throat is like hell since laz thursday. Now the whole package comes: cough, sneeze, tear, slight fever, block nose, runny nose, baby voice... I detest flu bug k! Probably passed by someone lor. And that someone so good buy me root beer leh, saying burp can cure sore throat. (btw tt was my first time to drink root beer coz I scared its beer) Then, not only I have sore throat, I cant burp out gas in tummy. Tsk!!!
Now thinking who shall I pass down the bug to...

P/S: Going uni liao, have to grow up liao, have to study 24/7 liao (like I will), have to do tutorials liao, have to have tests & exams liao. I wan JC!!!

pursuing my happiness with passion@| 2:53 PM

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Recently, a lot of people have commented that I am strong and I do not know to be happy or not. Well, I guess most of the time I am more of stubborn than strong.

I do not like to borrow things from people, be it umbrella, money etc. For one, I can be very blur. I used to leave my umbrella under my company's staircase for more than a week before bringing it back. At the same time, I do not like to request for help easily. It is not very difficult to be a ninjia and "siam" rain all the way home, is it?

I remembered when I was in Nanyang to take up swimming as my CCA in secondary one, my coach said I should not stay in the CCA as I could not swim then. Boy, I was so furious about it that I went to vow to take it up immediately! During that holiday, I went swimming with my friend during day and practiced alone at night. Within a week, I had picked up swimming despite an incident of getting almost drowned.

When I was studying at Temasek last time, I rented a room by myself due to the long traveling distance (Boon Lay to Bedok mind you). This means I ate, washed clothes, and cleaned room all by myself. There was once I vomited and had high fever for about two days and did not visit the doctor as I did not want to break the promise by my dad to bring me to the clinic.

Looking back, I knew I was head strong to accept help due to my pride and ego. But what about the pride and ego of the helper who is there genially wanting to lend a helping hand? (pitying is NOT included!!!) By accepting their help, you would be helped and they would feel happy, is it not a win-win situation?

Who wants to put on a strong front when there is a shoulder to lean on? But I know I would just be a parasite if I stay in the comfort zone for too long. Yet who is there to say a cactus need not be cared, loved and protected?

I have just made a promise to myself that no matter what happens, I will not lose my courage, confidence and cheerfulness. I believe tomorrow will be a better day, definitely!

P/S: Yea, yea, I have been stuck at home for almost a month. Stop telling me how fun those camps are. It is none of my business. GRRR!

pursuing my happiness with passion@| 4:08 PM

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Have been drinking milk for more than 2 weeks makes me a milk expert~ =P Although milk is nutritious and tasty, there are 3 types of milk which I hate to drink.

1. Slim Milk

Likely scenario:
A glass of milk produced by malnutritional aka slim cows.

Boss: Eh, how to sell this milk?
Worker: Erm, it seems to have a low value for everything. Vitamin, minerals, protein, energy, fat...
Boss: Yes! Fat no more, fat no more!!!
Boss has an eye-dear and begins dancing Don't Cha merrily with his beer belly.

Slim milk is soon launched into market and every lady loves it! After all it makes you "slim", does not it? Very soon non-fat milk would be launched produced by terminally ill aka non-fat cows.

2. Flavoured Milk (except Meiji strawberry milk)

Likely scenario:
Boss: It seems our market is depleting as consumers complain our milk is too plain.
Worker: Never mind. We can always add in artificial flavouring to our products. Not a cow will know it.
Boss of XX brand: I love bananas but how to launch banana milk?
Worker: How about bananas drinking milk?
Boss of XX brand: Nope. We all know banana trees have spirits and they take human blood.
Worker: Then how about cows eating bananas?
Boss of XX brand: No. We all know cows eat strawberries and not bananas.
Boss begins dancing Don't Cha merrily with his beer belly and everyone has an eye-dear.

Banana milk is soon launched into market with cows dancing with bananas on their heads. Everyone loves it as we live in an artistic society. However, they start campaigning to change the sexy bananas to our local king-durians to dance with.

3. Powder Milk

Likely scenario:
A glass of milk is going to be expired.

Boss: How are we going to get profit from this?
Worker: Let me taste it first. *gulp* *vomit* This is nothing but pungentness.
Boss begins dancing Don't Cha merrily with his beer belly but nobody has an eye-dear.
Nobody: Aha, in science we know how to preserve food using heat, preservatives and vacuum. Let us preserve it, heat it into powder and vacuum it to sell!
Boss: Good eye-dear my dear!
Worker: But it would taste awful and nobody will buy it.
Nobody: No, I would not buy it. But I suggest to sell it to babies as they cannot make noise.
Worker: But the parents will taste it and nobody will buy it.
Nobody: No, I would not buy it! We can always say the taste is brain stimulating and contains goodies like omega 3 & 6, iron, DHA, ARA etc.

Powder milk is soon launched into market and good-willed parents rush to buy it to make their babies smarter. Later, adult powder milk is also launched to post save adults from becoming dumb.

pursuing my happiness with passion@| 12:02 PM

Monday, July 10, 2006

Sorry for MIA for almost half a month. I did not reply the sms-es and calls as I do not wish to appear as a pathetic worm but as an energetic, fun, crazy girl. Neither did I complain to anyone as...this is just not me. Luckily, music is always available for me. I would listen to melodious music to calm my nerves, loud music to lift my spirit up, my own voice to recall how it sound like while I cannot open my mouth for three weeks.

I was in ICU for two days after surgery and normal ward for another six days. After the surgery, tubes were plugged into my nostrils to provide oxygen, inserted at sides of my neck to draw out excess blood, infused into my wrist to drip saline into me and instilled into my urinary track to draw out my urine. Besides that, my finger was clipped to register my pulse rate, magnetic pieces were pasted on my chest to record my heart beat and pressure bag was always wrapped around my arm to measure pressure every half an hour.

(blood) I was not in stable condition initially. In fact, I vomited mouthfuls of blood many times. I could feel air was seriously lacking in my blood-clotted nose, my throat was burning with pain and most importantly, my mouth was sealed almost completely while blood and mucus just kept on flowing out. I could smell my hair and upper body soaked in blood and it just seemed that blood was flowing out of my body endlessly. The nurse had come several times to withdraw blood samples of each 100ml from me and as my vein is very thin, he had to poke my arm many times to get the desired quantity. Also, my period had for once came so punctual which refused to “come down” and as a result, I was rolling on bed in excruciating pain. I am however lucky not to faint but just giddy and feeble after only transfusing 0.75 packet of blood while my surgery requires about 2 packets.

(pain) The injection of antibiotics and dripping of saline were nothing comparing to cleaning of the wounds. The nurse was responsible enough to use metal needle to scalp off any dead tissue, pus around my wounds thoroughly. I had vomited the bitter medicine that was tube-fed to me and this caused me to spread open my wounds several times. Even though my mouth is sealed up, I still have to gurgle after food and brush my teeth twice a day. What I have to do is to force open my hello-kitty size lips and use a baby toothbrush to clean my teeth portion by portion extremely gently. I did not take the pain killer as taking it does not make much difference after all. Also, after anesthetized fully for six hours, I had bad muscle aches all over my body and my ears rang like bees.

(suffer) I was feverish for almost two weeks after the surgery. My bones were icy cold like a snake's while my body was igniting, especially my wounds. Beads of cold sweat formed on my forehead and I was too feeble to even take a deep breath using my congested nose. When I closed my eyes, I could hear people wailing for the departure of their family member due to accidents or operation at ICU and patients yelling and moaning in pain, cursing, praying, murmuring in the ward... All these three weeks, I cannot open my mouth to speak nor to eat. Tube is used to transfer liquid food into me, which has to be of right temperature (warm/cold water bath), not with impurities bigger than orange pulps (chopper, stirrer, blender, sieve) and extremely hard to get food in (patience) but relatively easy for food to get stuck inside (patience). It has to be inserted very carefully to avoid the stitches (patience) yet food drips out easily. (PATIENCE)

As one falls sick, he would begin to doubt his ability and rely on others. To prevent this, I want to do things within my abilities as much as possible. However, there was a time I was feverish and weak yet insisted to take bath by myself. I closed the door too loud and my mum rushed in to check if I were all right. She went all drama to check if I have injured myself while I was desperately showing I am fine yet could not make a purr. At that moment, a sharp pain like a dagger pierced right through my heart. It is sorrowful for others not to know your intention while you try so hard to "voice it out".

My mum used to ask me if I hate her for bringing me so much suffering and made me different from others. I said no and I loved them for giving me a chance to live. Parents always wish their children to have great accomplishment yet I cannot even be healthy for now. Honestly, I did feel pissed at times, as at this prime age, I should be playing my heart out at the freshman orientation camp and not camping inside a stupid hospital. TMD!!! However, my wish is simple: to live an ordinary life like any one else. For this basic wish, I am willing to take any suffering at all cost, includes giving in my life.

At this moment, besides the blood, pain and suffering, I feel so blessed. It is strange that the more people possess, the more desire they would have and less satisfied they would be. On the other hand, the less one owns, the more grateful and contented he would be. For every breath I am taking now, I am glad to know that I am living.

P/S: God, let me open my mouth soon as I want to speak, to sing badly.

pursuing my happiness with passion@| 8:49 PM

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